


I will always be afraid

by kyo1



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Depression, ED TW, Eating Disorders, Other, Peter Parker Deserves Better, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker has an eating disorder, Peter Parker needs help, Poor Peter Parker, Sad Peter Parker, This is me projecting onto fictional characters, binge, peter parker is depressed, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26888938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1
Summary: He was so hungry at first. Stomach caving in, hair falling out and weak at the knees. So much energy used on getting up. It was hard to breathe, hard to exist.But he got better. He started eating three meals a day. He should be better.He doesn’t understand why he’s fucking ravenous.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	I will always be afraid

**Author's Note:**

> Tw for mentions of anorexia. And for binge eating. 
> 
> Sorry it’s short , it’s a vent fic

He was so hungry at first. Stomach caving in, hair falling out and weak at the knees. So much energy used on getting up. It was hard to breathe, hard to exist. 

But he got better. He started eating three meals a day. He should be better. 

He doesn’t understand why he’s fucking ravenous. 

It claws at him constantly it’s hard to miss. He sees food and his hand latches on so quickly he doesn’t notice until he takes a bite. 

He can’t stop himself. Every time he eats, nothing makes a dent on his stomach. It’s an endless void and no amount of food could fill it. 

He thought that slowly transitioning back to three meals would be easy, well , not easy, but enough that he would be ok , maybe even forget a few meals every so often. 

But he can’t. It’s too little. 

And he doesn’t understand. He’s been eating little for so long , how is he starving now that’s he’s eating more? 

His stomach roars , two hours after breakfast, between dinner and lunch , and at night. 

He doesn’t get it. He’s so hungry now. Why? 

He’s cheeks have filled back in. 

“Those pants are tighter Pete” 

He cried after. 

He’s so afraid. All he wants to do is eat and eat and eat, he doesn’t understand what went wrong ? 

It chips at his self esteem everyday. Why is this happening ? 

He’s so fucking hungry. 

It was easy to start eating more, but he can’t stop. He’s so scared. 

He’s so scared when he’s sitting down shoving popcorn , and sodas , and chocolates into his mouth. But he’s excited too. 

Peter ate , he binged. And he felt good. He felt weightless. Every bit of food felt like gold. It didn’t matter. His weight didn’t matter for the first time in so long. He didn’t care. He was yearning for a peace of mind , and he finally reached it. He reached an all time high. Peter was flying.

But then he fell. A blissful dream cut off so suddenly. He weighed tons. Peter wasn’t flying anymore. He was squirming on forbidden ground he promised himself never to see. He wasn’t weightless anymore, he was heavy. 

His ankles pulled him down towards the center of the earth and each of his steps oh so cautious of breaking the floor. Peters steps , before silent , now resounded through the pristine tiles. His feet faltered as where his mouth didn’t. Yet only his feet didn’t fail him, his mouth did. 

A poison now resided at the pit of his seemingly endless stomach , where he could feed and feed it and it never overflowed. Peters stomach didn’t overflow , it couldn’t , but he did. He felt a burning passion of every emotion. The adrenaline left a searing pain that makes him want to smile yet cry. The euphoria ,he felt like he was in a dream . 

But he got ripped away from such pleasure , and he felt an exploding madness of guilt , sadness , anger and fear. He was afraid of what he had let himself feel , what he had let himself do. It is now that he realizes he never felt euphoria, did he. No . Peter mistook the shake of his hands and the tremble of his lips as anticipation of his next food , while in reality it was fear. 

He was always afraid. 

And always will be.

**Author's Note:**

> Long rant haha. I’ve been recovering from an eating disorder and it’s hard because i’ve been so hungry. And i’m still so afraid, of myself, my thoughts , and the fact i’m so fucking hungry. It’s been killing me. I don’t get it. 
> 
> But just know , you guys are all valid , and if you’re going through the same thing, i hope you find stability and happiness. You deserve it 💗.


End file.
